I don’t know whether I’ve ever publicly shared this piece of information about me. I know I’ve verbally told me or people have figured it out but either my memory is going or I’ve genuinely never told you guys…
I have an anger problem.
There. I’ve said it. I didn’t admit it or acknowledge it for a very, very, very long time. In fact, I acknowledged it on my first student mission with St Mikes. I don’t know why I feel like I need to write about this but if I want to be honest with you guys, then I should probably talk about it.
Anger. It comes at the most inopportune times, it can be a feeling that never goes away and it’s natural. I am always some level of angry; it could be mild or it could be full on The Hulk. It’ll be the littlest of things that set me off: the wifi not working, I dropped my phone, my sister is pissing me off etc. And when I’m angry, I swear. Badly.
I try not to swear in my everyday life and somedays are better than others. When I was at sixth from, I didn’t swear at all. Then when I started uni, being in that student culture, my language got more vulgar but having said that, I tried to refrain from using it. I wrote it down in my journals, screamed which ever curse word I wanted in my head but never out loud. When I’m mad, and I’m talking out of control mad, I will tear you into little pieces with my vocal anger. My middle sister once ended up on the floor in tears because I was that angry. I will swear at you and I will scream and I will use every dark part of me that you never see.
A colleague at the end of term asked me if I had an anger problem. I can’t remember why, it’s probably because everyone was staring at the smashed up screen of my iPhone, but he asked me. And being the honest person I try to be, I said yes. My colleague was a little taken aback. Me, the quiet Christian girl, with an anger problem? Well, it’s true.
I realise that this isn’t a cohesive blog, it’s all over the place. But that’s what happens when I’m angry – I think irrationally, illogically and without purpose. I just wanted to let you know that this is something I struggle with. I’m never physically angry; it’s always my technology that bears the brunt of it. However, when I am particularly angry – I have to steer clear of my guitar otherwise I will smash it up. I see my guitar as an extension of me. I’m not exactly going to smash myself up so I’ll just smash up the next best thing. In the past 3 years, I’ve had to steer clear of my guitar far too many times.
On a different note, I have a Patreon. A Patreon is a place where you can pledge up to $20 a month to help the direction of this blog. I want this blog to be more us than me, that’s why I started the Patreon. Please take a look and if you’re thinking of sticking around for the long haul – please consider pledging. If nobody does, then I’ll close it. Thanks!