It has been many weeks since I last wrote a blog post; similarly to the last time, it’s not because I didn’t have anything to say – I had too much to say and I didn’t know how to write it down. Now is probably not the best time for me to be writing to you my lovely readers but this blog is probably more for me than you anyway. (Edit: it makes no sense, I sound so very desperate but all the emotions I’ve written down are all emotions that I genuinely feel just can’t vocalise).
I feel like absolute shit.
In my anxiety and depression filled state, the world around me is falling apart. I am extremely lonely, extremely tired and very, very sad. The world is not actually falling apart, the sky is still in the sky and the ground is still underneath my feet. Netflix is still a thing and the internet works… but emotionally, everything is falling apart.
I broke up from school one week ago and it has been the longest week of my entire life. I have had my fair share of long school and university holidays but this one week has filled me with such despair I don’t know how I can keep going for the next five weeks. In this one week, I have realised how few friends I have. In this one week, I have had to nap every afternoon because I am too damn exhausted to face the day. In this one week, I haven’t been able to make it through a 43 minute Netflix episode because I get bored.
Sure, I’ve felt a lot worse than I feel at this moment in time but when I was suffering in this dank, dark, cold pits of despair I had friends to throw me a lifeline. Friends who saw I was struggling. Maybe that’s because I was at uni and everyone around me was struggling with depression so we couldn’t hide it very well or maybe I was more open. My eyes haven’t stopped leaking this week; I seem to cry and cry and cry and cry. As I spent some time feeling inadequate before God this evening, I wished that I could open up and be truthful to those around me. That I could trust. That I could just let go of everything that is going on in my head.
But I know in my anxiety riddled state, that that isn’t going to happen. Who’s going to want to hear about the stupid feelings of a 22 year old who has ‘so much to live for’. My problems are minuscule but to the scales in my brain they are tipping over to the wrong side. My problems are fixable but to me right now, I can’t see a way out.
This week I have felt very unloved. I have felt that I am incapable of being loved. I’ve felt that I have so much baggage and crap that I carry around with me that nobody in their right mind is going to want to be friends with me. Who’s going to want to be friends with someone who can’t love themselves? I was reminded of something though this week. I was reminded of something a pastor said to me on my first student mission with St Mikes. He said ‘you have so much love to give others, but you have no love for yourself. How can you love others if you don’t love yourself.’ And I spent the next two years trying to work on loving myself so I could give love to others but I realised today that I don’t love myself. I can give, give, give everything I have but there is none for me.
I’m not usually this honest in blogs but I need to show the world that I am not perfect. I mean, y’all know that already but I always dial down what I write but I just need to clear my head. I have no love for me. I have no desire to even try. I led worship at church last week and people thank me but I just brush it off. I did it, I was asked – great if you connected with God or found it fun or different but so what? Today I prayed for the first time in months. And I’ll tell you why I haven’t prayed in months, it’s because everything that I needed to pray for was selfish – it was all me, me, me and today I had enough. I needed to be selfish and I needed to cry and I needed to connect with my Heavenly Father who I know at the bottom of my heart loves me and will never abandon me…
But it doesn’t stop me from feeling alone. I know I’m not alone, I know that God is forever with me but that doesn’t help me with the earthly loneliness. What I need is a hug and someone to just tell me that they are there. And that they genuinely mean it because I have had enough of people in my life telling me that they are there for me when in reality this run as soon as the going gets tough.
I know what I need to do but I also know that it’s never going to happen. A) I need professional help but my severe fear of doctors is going to stop me from getting it. B) I need to get out there and meet new people/text the people I already know. Ha ha ha ha, yeah right – that’s never going to happen. C) I need to talk to people in the church but even though I have been there over a year now, I still don’t feel I know people well enough to unload my life story on them. To unload all my baggage that I so desperately need to get rid of. D) Is there even a D? I don’t know. Oh, I need to start loving myself. But I have absolutely no clue where to start.