anger · anxiety · depression · lonely · mental illness · Uncategorized

Dear Me

Dear Me,

This blog is for you Louise, and you alone. I, you, will be writing this so that you can look back upon it when you feel like utter crap. You don’t feel brilliant now, but you’ve definitely felt 100 percent worse. So swings and roundabouts, right?

So. You’ve put on a Spotify playlist of Christian music to try and get you to this place of peace and contentment despite the anger you’ve felt today. Well, the anger and the mental health triggers. Right now, Phil Wickham is serenading your ears and you’re not batting an eyelid. Come on Louise! You love Phil Wickham! Obviously not as much as Matthew West, but come on… I know your relationship with God is a bit all over the place at the moment but at least try. And hey, at least you were able to sing on Sunday.

It’s amazing how the tiniest of things can ruin what was turning out to be the best week in a while, isn’t it? The tiniest things that make you angry and you go to bed angrily eating a couscous salad and olives. Luckily, you were exhausted so you managed to get to sleep pretty easily – but waking up this morning was not welcome.

Life at the moment is a little rough for you, us, isn’t it? There are no real reasons as to why we feel the way we do but we both know exactly what would make them better: friends. It would be amazing to have some actual friends in this neck of the woods. The people at church are ‘friends’ but they’re not friends you know? There are certain things you can share with them but you wouldn’t want/couldn’t meet up with them for a drink and put the world to right. Last week when the world was black, there was nothing more that we wanted to do than spilling our guts to someone who was willing to listen. I mean, we could make the effort to go and meet people but what gets in the way? That’s right: anxiety.

Talking of anxiety, you’ve done very well lately. No panic attacks, no heart palpitations. You even managed to get your hair cut, and might I say, damn gurl you look good! (Plus, your new denim jacket – love.) The other week you even managed to go to the pub, by yourself, on a Friday night. Well done you.

Work is going well for you though. I know it’s the Easter holidays right now and you don’t know what to do with yourself but working at the school is proving to be a good thing. You’re making relationships with the students, you feel like you’re actually helping them and boy does it make your day when you can make them smile. Instead of coming home annoyed because of bad behaviour or rudeness or whatever negative came out of the day, you’re bringing home the positives.  And it’s so much nicer.

I, you, just want to tell you, me, that though the world seems like a dark and terrifying place right now – there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And though you, I, feel distant from God, He still loves us. He’s still forgiven us, He still sent His son to die for us. It sucks that you’re feeling this way in Holy Week, the most joyous of weeks in the Christian calendar, but try and remember that no matter how far away you are from God: He’s still there.

And no matter how lonely you feel, how lonely you are, you still have your church family. And I know it’s hard, but sometimes we’ve just got to pick up the phone and ring someone. But it is us so we’ll never do that. Keep talking to your sisters, they are the only family you have. Being the eldest is hard, and it’s a job you can’t quit, but they appreciate you (I think).

And on that note, I’m going to sign off. We’re probably going to get ready for bed and binge watch something on Netflix but sometimes that is what you have to do.

Signing off,

Me, You, I – Louise.


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