A little over a month has past since I last wrote something down, and a little over a month has past since I last felt pure joy. Pure peace. Pure anything.
And to be honest, I stopped trying.
Stopped trying to be happy. Stopped trying to be the person everyone wants me to be. Stopped trying to do anything to get me out of this dark pit.
I just couldn’t do it.
At first I tried. I continued to go to housegroup and delve more into the beginning of Ephesians, and I continued to go to church and worship a God I know is there but can’t feel. And I continued to talk to my sisters when all I wanted was to shut myself away, and I continued to live life even when it was very, very, very hard.
But let me be honest. That’s what these things are for, complete and total honesty. I lost confidence.
Now, that probably sounds a bit strange but it’s true. I lost confidence. In everything.
I’ve never been the most confident person, always putting myself down and my self esteem is through the floor but when I say I lost confidence…I’m not entirely sure how to describe it.
I lost confidence in me.
I can’t get a job, not even at Morrisons. No matter how many job applications I send off, and no matter how many interviews I go to…I can’t get a job. And some, I totally understand. I’m not qualified enough, I don’t have enough experience but others I’m like, really? Is it me? Is there a stamp on my forehead saying ‘don’t hire this girl’? Because that’s what it feels like.
I lost confidence in God.
I know for a fact that God loves me. I know for a fact He has forgiven me. I know for a fact He chose me but that doesn’t stop me from losing confidence in Him. I know I am here for a reason. A reason I am in this town, at this church, in this house, in this situation…but it’s total crap. I don’t understand how a loving God would put me in this situation. Sure, I’ve been in worse and there are people out there who are in worse but I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how hard I try.
I lost confidence in life.
I have skills. Yes. I’m an actor, a musician, a baker, a new cook, a children’s and youth worker…but none of these help me out there in the real world. Not unless I want to teach but we’ve been over this. Teaching isn’t for me, I felt God tell me that in my Fresher year. So what can I do with these creative talents? I’m not good enough to go audition for the next big West End show, I’m not good enough to audition for an orchestra. I’m certainly not good enough to enter next years Great British Bake Off. So what am I doing with my life?
In the past two weeks, I cried myself out. We watched Les Mis (the film) the other day, and it always makes me cry…but I had no tears left. My body and my tear ducts wanted me to…
Sorry about that interlude. Some idiot decided to let off fireworks, and the dog went crazy. They must have known I was getting too emotional when I have no tears left. Where was I? Oh yes, we were watching Les Mis and I couldn’t cry even though I wanted too.
I’ve only ever done that once before, when life was so rough I couldn’t face going on. But by the Grace of God I am still here. In some ways I’m grateful, in other ways not so much. I’ve been able to do so much, overcome so much yet here I am. Getting bored with blog and regretting ever thinking about and starting to write it.
I mean, it’s utter crap. Once upon a time I could write compound sentences and I could people entertained and people would relate to what I was saying. And now, even I don’t care what I’m saying. So I guess with that, I’m going to go and pretend this never happened and binge watch Netflix to forget about everything.