Today, I got told I sound like my mum. That it was like my mum was right there in the room. And I can’t tell you whether that’s true or not because I have no recollections of her ever singing to me. Or me singing with her.
It got me thinking. Thankful. Thankful that I have a little bit of mum in me, ya know? A little bit of mum that is mine; a little bit of something we both shared. I remember that at her funeral, one of my aunt’s said the exact same thing: that I sounded like mum. Music is my passion: my hobby. My mum got me playing instruments from as early as I can remember. The violin, the clarinet, the recorder. And then when I started to learn instruments: the piano, flute, oboe, guitar… she instilled something me I won’t forget.
This year has been a big year in the life of me. A year that I wish my mum could have been here for. A year I wish things with my dad could figure themselves out.
6 years since mum died but this year I finished university. A thing I would never have done without mum. I remember the conversation as if it was yesterday and mum telling me to chase my dreams. To do something that made me happy. And so I did. And here I am with a BA (Hons). I wish mum could have come to Aberystwyth, to see the sea and to meet my St Mikes church family. I wish she could have been there at my graduation, taking soppy photos and posting the “so proud of my daughter for graduating” Facebook statuses. But no, none of that.
6 years since mum died and this year I turned 21. I don’t like birthdays at the best of times but big ones are even harder. My 16th, my 18th, and now my 21st. I spent my 21st half in Aberystwyth and half in Cardiff. I was with my sisters which was great but it was hard because I had no time or space to just cry. Grieve another year that my mum wasn’t here with a homemade cake. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sisters but I don’t think they got that I needed time to just cry. And I couldn’t. So I’m sat here now, listening to my “Mummy” playlist on Spotify and crying my little eyes out.
To tell you the truth, because this blog is all about honesty, I don’t know why I’m crying really. I could tell you that I’m crying about mum, or that I’m crying I don’t have a job, or that I’m crying because I feel totally lonely and isolated. But I don’t know. I could be crying because although I’ve forgiven dad, I can’t quite make the move to talk to him; to start mending.
I crave a time where everything seemed fine on the surface. Where I didn’t care about all the bubbles forming under the surface. I crave a time where I could walk into the family centre and me met with a smiling face from both parents. I crave a time where I didn’t have to play mother. I crave a time where everything was okay.
Yes, I finished my degree. And yes, I graduated. And yes, I am a “successful care kid” but why does that matter if my family isn’t all together. People tell me “but Louise your sisters are all the family you need” and yes, they are but sometimes all I need is a parental responsibility to be there.
Today, I got told I sounded like mum. And that makes me both incredibly happy and sad at the same time.