Do you trust me?
That question throws me a lot of the time. Trust is something that I struggle with: a lot. I can’t do the trust fall, making promises is foreign to me and trusting people? That’s something that takes me years to do.
Trust takes years to build and seconds to break is the truest statement I’ve heard about trust. I’ve always had trust problems, right from when I was a young child. Being put into care didn’t help these issues at all because I didn’t know who I could trust. It took me three years at secondary school to tell people that I was in care. When my mum died I could only tell 5 people: the 5 people I trusted. But people having broken my trust in seconds. Friends who simply stop being friends.
There is one story in particular. I met one of my closest friends three years ago, we spent every day together and we told each other everything. One day, for reasons I don’t want to tell, our friendship fell apart. I was heartbroken a) because I had lost my friend but b) because I had told them about every aspect of my life. I had told them things I hadn’t even told my family. I had trusted my friend with this knowledge but now that we weren’t friends, they could use it to break me. Use it to ruin me. It took me a year to finally talk to this friend again, a whole year. And in that time this friend hadn’t said anything that I had told them, they hadn’t tried to ruin me. That meant a lot to me, so now that we’re friends again and have been for a strong two years, I know I can trust them with anything. If we can go through something like what we went through and not spill, we can go through life together.
There is one person that I struggle to trust the most. Struggle to love wholeheartedly. The one person that I shouldn’t have to struggle to trust and rely on. I seriously struggle with trusting in God.
I think that’s due to all the rubbish that life has thrown at me. In my life, I have been very angry at God at in that time I didn’t trust Him at all. But something I’ve discovered recently is that He never fails us. No matter what. And I think that’s awesome.
Isaiah 40: 28-31 says this about God:
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
This passage reminds me that God is a trustworthy God, He never leaves our side like friends and family might. He loves us so much and He understands us more than we can ever understand ourselves. I love v.31 “They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” If we trust in the Lord, we can have this.
I struggle to trust in God because of all the bad stuff that has happened in my life. I question Him, I argue with Him, I claim He hates me: but He doesn’t. Psalm 33 says this:
For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love. By the word of the LORD were the heavens made, their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
He right, and He is true. He is a faithful God. It might not seem it at times but He does not wish us harm. He loves us so much that He sent His only Son, our Brother to die for us. Having faith and trust in God is the most amazing thing because He doesn’t let you down. I have felt let down at times but it’s simply because what I was asking for wasn’t God’s will.
I know that trust is difficult, there are still people I know today who don’t know my whole story. Two of my best friends don’t know about how dark my depression has been. But I trust them with other stuff. We can trust God with everything we have, we can love Him. I’m not very good at giving over everything to Him but I’m getting there, He will carry it so you don’t have too.
Trust in Him and it will be the best thing ever.