This is a very different style of blog than I’m used to writing and the ones I’m sure you’re used to reading. But I have something to tell you.
Something that I’ve been keeping to myself and I think now is the time to tell you all. I was going to make a YouTube video but I felt that if I wrote it down, I’d word it better and I wouldn’t freak out. Plus, when writing it – I can loads of breaks.
As I write this, sat on my bed, I listen to worship music. Reminding myself that no matter what God is with me. He loves me. Jesus saved me.
Okay. Let me get on with it.
It starts with a trip to the opticians. I haven’t been to the opticians since I came to university because I didn’t need too. At my last optician’s appointment, they told me to go again in two years and that years came around this year. I’ve been having a lot of headaches recently so I thought that maybe I needed new glasses or I’d simply been working too hard, looking at a computer screen for too long. So, I did the brave thing and booked an appointment. I thought it was going to be a routine appointment, they’d tell me my prescription has changed, I’d pick some new glasses and that would be that. But it wasn’t the case.
The optician found that I have swollen optic nerves in both of my eyes. This concerned her as the first thing I had told her was that I was having headaches. She then referred me to an eye consultant.
Now. I have a severe fear of doctors. Not that I don’t like them, I fear them. Last year, I avoided walking past my doctor’s surgery at all costs. I have panic attacks. So being referred to a consultant? Was terrifying.
When I told people that I was going to a consultant they all said the same thing, that it would be fine. They’d fine nothing. It was just a precaution.
I went to the consultant, he asked me why I was there and I said I had been referred. He then asked me if I had been experiencing a number of symptoms (that he listed) other than just headaches, I said yes and no.
After giving me some eye drops to dilate my pupils, he looked in my eyes and the sound he made wasn’t a nice sound. I can’t describe it and I don’t particularly want to go back to that moment. But he said that my optic nerves weren’t just slightly swollen, they were severely swollen.
I had no idea what that meant. To be honest, it still doesn’t mean a lot to me now.
He told me he was going to refer me for an MRI scan just to make sure there was nothing more serious going on. There was supposedly a seven week wait, which in theory would make the MRI around now but I’ve had it. The day after my consultant meeting, after it took me three hours to get home. After I maybe, kinda, scared friends who ran from the other side of town to find me. I get a phone call.
It’s from the local hospital if I’m free that afternoon to go in for an MRI scan. They’ve had a cancellation and they want to fill the time. Unfortunately, I was free.
I, obviously, began to freak out. Texting my sisters, the student pastor…I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t going to the hospital by myself. I was terrified, I’m still terrified, so I tried to find someone to come with me. I didn’t care who it was as long as someone came with me, kept me calm and forced me to actually go in.
Luckily, one of my friends said yes.
I don’t want to bore you with the details of the MRI, it’s not a nice memory.
The week after the MRI, I was supposed to ring my consultant and tell him I had the scan. Fortunately, they rang me for an unrelated matter so I told them then. I went in for an appointment and he was confused as to why I’d already had the scan. He had referred me the day before.
The scan was clear, there was no abnormality, praise the Lord!
But. I do have a diagnosis. And that’s what I want to tell you. Because I’m tired of keeping it in and I’m tired of living this alone. And I’m tired of forgetting who knows and who doesn’t.
I have High Brain Pressure.
A rare condition in overweight women in their twenties.
They don’t fully understand the condition because they don’t fully understand the brain. But basically it’s this; there is too much fluid in the brain and its putting pressure on things it shouldn’t be putting pressure on.
There’s not much, medically, that can be done.
There’s stuff that I can do though. There is a high correlation between a high BMI and a high pressure in the brain. Unfortunately, my BMI is extremely high because I stress eat a lot. What I need to do is lower my BMI and I’m struggling.
I’m struggling with life so eating healthily and exercising isn’t on the top of my list.
That’s basically what I’m living with, and it’s been two months since my diagnosis. It still scares the living crap out of me but there isn’t a lot I can do.
I’d like to ask something of you though. If you’re of the praying kind, please can you be praying? Prayer for healing, prayer for motivation, prayer for strength. The last couple of weeks I’ve been trying to push it aside but it’s hitting me with full force at the moment. Particularly as all my friends have left for the summer.
If you know me personally, motivate me. Work out with me. Force me to eat three, healthy meals a day. Come to appointments with me.
Now you know. I don’t want your pity or your sympathy, I just needed to let you all know.