I’ve never been one of the popular crowd. I’ve never been the girl with girls or guys hanging onto my every word, my phone buzzing every thirty seconds with a new message. I’ve never been one to go partying, go shopping, go for a coffee. With trust issues, anxiety and a range of other negative things about me and my life, I end up pushing people away. But over the past couple of weeks, and particularly today, I realised something monumental. I have friends. Me, the person who hides in the corner. Me, the person who talks to nobody. Me, the person who is best friends with her laptop. I have friends.
One of the things I knew I would struggle with at uni was making friends, meeting new people, starting conversations, trusting people…all that jazz. All the stuff that any normal human being would struggle with. But for me it was at a higher level, higher intensity. At sixth form I had a close group of friends who I loved, they knew almost all about me. However, as soon as I got to uni they dropped me; maybe I have a part to play in that but no effort was made to keep in contact. And that makes me not want to trust people because that’s what always happens, as soon as I’m out of someone’s life they forget about me. Always happens, always will. No escaping it. So I arrived at uni and spent the entirety of Freshers week in my room on the internet. Not out drinking, or making new friends, or talking to people. The only time I went out was to go to church but I’ll get onto that in a second. I had a couple of friends who I had made a couple of years ago and somehow we kept in contact, the weird, very rare occurrence. I saw them a couple of times but other wise I stayed inside.
Today was my final first year exam (yay) but it didn’t go great. Two panic attacks in half an hour, no revision, everything forgotten and I left a two hour exam after just over an hour in. Way to go Louise. But one friend, Molly, was there all the way through. Another friend had offered me a lift to where my exam was because it was on the other university campus and I had never been there before. However an hour before we were due to leave, Molly messages me saying that this friend was in a rough way which I completely accepted so I said I would find another way up there. That on top of every other bit of anxiety I felt today triggered a panic attack. I haven’t had one in a couple months yet on the last day of first year and my final exam, one kicks in. So I make my way to the buses because I knew there were buses up but they confused me. So that made me panic even more. So I got a taxi, call it a waste of money or whatever but I knew it would get me there. Molly, bless her, text me to check that I was on my way and I said I was trying to stop a panic attack (I’ve just realised my writing and English is rubbish today, I apologise) and she rang me. That calmed me down a little bit. It continues but I’m just going to say that Mol, you are a life saver.
If you don’t mind, I’m going to be a bit selfish and use the rest of this blog to thank all those close friends who have helped me out in really rubbish times, the people I know I can count on. Is that okay? There might be more than I realise but I’m just thinking of people of the top of my head.
Katie Katie, Katie, Katie. Where to start with you? You’ve been there through thick and thin with me. You were there when everything feel apart, you were there when we tried to put it back together again. I know we don’t talk as much now because of uni and everything but I miss you with all my being. When I listen to a certain Irish band, I think back to you because I know that I wouldn’t be listening to them if it hadn’t been for you. When we talk it doesn’t feel like months, it feels like literally yesterday which I guess is great for a friendship. I love you so much Katie and I don’t know what I would do without you.
Shane Almost two years! That is insane. I’m surprised you became friends with me actually. The quiet, weird one, who kept herself to herself. But two years two the line we’re the best of buds. You’ve been there through some pretty big highs and some even bigger lows. But you’ve stuck by my side and I am so thankful, I don’t tell you that enough. We live just down the road from each other, we each other a lot and that means the world to me. I leave my house to see you! Think that as a privilege, not many people get that. But I love you and thank you for sticking around.
Hywel Let’s clear the air, I’m sorry for being a prick in the past, I’m sorry for all the crap I may or may not have done, I’m sorry for maybe or maybe not ignoring you for a year, I’m sorry for possibly being the worst friend you’ve ever had. But we’ve got through that, right? We see each other more than we ever did, I leave my house, I eat junk, and I genuinely laugh when I’m with you. You know maybe the whole of my story, well more than most people and you’ve never used it against me. For that period of time when we weren’t friends, when we weren’t talking… I really missed you. I did, and now you’re back in my life I don’t want to let you go again. You mean that much to me. Don’t leave me again?
Molly Well Miss Molly (ha, I put it on the internet!) what do I say about you? You brighten up my day no matter how I’m feeling, you make me laugh, you make me smile, you turn everything brighter. Not just for me but for everyone around you. It feels like I’ve known you forever but I know it’s only for a few months. I literally don’t know what I would do without you. Even though you have your own problems you are still there to listen and give hugs and bake awesome cakes/cookies/make cups of tea 😀 I love you Mol, don’t change for anyone.
Becca and Mel I’ve lumped you two together not that I don’t love you both separately but together you are a powerhouse. You’re a shoulder to cry on, a shove up the bum when I need one. You’re maybe one of the reasons I’m still at uni because you showed me what there is for me here. Your love of Disney, music…everything makes me smile whenever I’m around you. Becca you just get things done, you help me and others through things and I thank you for that. Mel, you tell it to me straight. No bullshit when it comes to you. You’ve helped me with guitar, you’ve listened, you housed me when I needed a floor to kip on. I love you both very much.
LOGOS ladies! Where would I be without you? In a very dark and lost and lonely place probably. You gave me something to live for, something to strive for. You showed me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You don’t give up on me and I don’t give up on you. I thank you for always being there, for making my Wednesday’s the highlight of my week, for making me laugh, for brightening my day. You are all the most beautiful people inside and out and I thank God for allowing you to be a part of my life. Don’t ever leave it!
Edwyna. Do you count as friend? I mean, you are my sister after all…but we are friends as well I guess. I’m including you in this list whether you like it or not. You are the best sister and friend anyone could ask for. Maybe that’s because we’re so similar: same music, same TV shows, similar clothing, same foods…same everything right down to the last detail which is terrifying. I’m sorry you’re so much like me, no one should have to go through that but me. You’re always there to pick me up, listen to my rants, join me in my ‘I hate people days’, give me music to listen too…you’re just there. A presence that never leaves, not that I want you to leave. I love Robyn as well, of course I do but the relationship isn’t the same anymore. Don’t change for anyone Edwyna, you are perfect the way you are.
Okay, well that’s the end. If I didn’t give you a special mention, it’s not because I don’t love you or that you’re not my friend but these people have really helped me out in some of my toughest, darkest moments. I love you very much and sometimes it is better to have a small handful of friends that lots and lots of superficial friends, kinda speaking from experience. But yeah, that’s all I have for you. See you next time, bye guys.