So firstly I would like to apologise for not posting a blog in a long time, procrastinating and vlogging and general university work has taken over my life but I feel that right now is a good time to write a blog post. This is inspired by a video I just watched, it was a bride at her wedding and her dad had passed away days before the wedding so her brother recorded her dad’s favourite song for the father/daughter dance. I was sat here bawling my eyes out because although my dad is still alive and we’re not getting on at the moment, I lost my mum four years ago. Everyday there is something I wish I could tell her. I have this book that I used to write in, to write letters to her but recently I’ve found that I haven’t needed too yet today I wish she was here for me to talk to. So I apologise for this personal blog post but it’s just easier for me to write it online. I’m sure they have wifi up in heaven.
So here goes.
How you doing? Good, good. I’m glad to hear it. So I’m having a pretty rough time Mum. All the time I wish you were here at the moment. It’s exam season, it’s time to start packing up my stuff from the end of first year, doubts are kicking in… there is so much that I wish you were here to see Mum. Is that selfish? I mean I know the sisters miss you as well but they didn’t know you as well. E certainly didn’t…I’m doing my best to tell her about you. AH always tells me how similar I am to you.
So as I write this tears are brewing in my eyes because I realise how much there is that you’ve missed and how much you will continue to miss. And I constantly wonder whether I’m making you proud or not because I don’t know. I try, I always try but I don’t know. I don’t talk to Dad because he upset me and let me down, and I know as a Christian I should forgive and forget but I literally can’t…it hurt me too much. So where do I begin?
Well I made it to the end of first year Mum! Yay! I did it! After all the doubts and wobbles and the thoughts of pulling a ‘Dan’ but I’m here, I’ve sat two exams, handed everything in…I made it. I know you always encouraged me to go to uni and now I’m here. I’ve made friends Mum, even with my anxiety but I’ve done it. I have a strong support system here of course mates and Church friends. I think I’m doing okay with the work, apart from the procrastinating part but what’s new there? I’ve registered for next year which is exciting, I’m just concerned about student finance because obviously I don’t have a house or a home…and apparently a letter gets sent ‘home’ and A is getting really arsey with me.
One of the big changes I guess is YouTube. Yeah, I know – me making a fool of myself on the internet. Crazy right? You do have wifi up in heaven because then you can watch them…you might like them. People seem to like them as I am getting views and subscribers which is insane, I don’t know why but I’m not complaining. I have a video going up tomorrow actually, someone requested it on Facebook so I did it. Why not? Please the people and all that.
I have a lot riding on my shoulders and in my heart and in my head but I don’t know how to articulate it into words which really fricking sucks. I’m meant to have studied English and Drama and whatnot. Ha, no use here. Good thing I don’t really run a blog, I can just ramble in front of a camera. Maybe if I go for a walk to the beach I’ll remember and can share them with you then, I have a couple of days where I don’t have to do much. I can start revising Monday for my Thursday exam…more like Wednesday. Who am I kidding?
So I guess that’s it. English and words have deserted me. But just know this, I will forever love you and miss you. There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t miss you. But I cant remember the sound of your voice, I cant remember how you smell, when I close my eyes I can’t picture you anymore… I can’t remember any good memories, or even sad ones, I’m not allowed to forget you, you’re my Mum. Even though we didn’t have the most conventional relationship, you’re still my Mum and I miss you everyday. When I try and describe you to anyone, or even to my sisters, it’s so difficult. It shouldn’t be difficult, but I can’t do it.
I wish you were here, I wish you were here holding my hand, giving me a hug, telling me everything is going to be okay because that’s what I need right now. Everything is a bit messed up and I don’t know what to do. I’m too scared to go to a doctor, I’m too scared to ask for help…I’m too scared, I’m a wimp. I wish I knew what to do, I don’t know what to do. I wish you were here to tell me because everyone that has ever looked after me hasn’t been a mother. I know you’re in a better place now and you’re not in pain but I’m in so much pain, you would have thought that I would have been over it by now but no… I’ve got to be the strong one, the strong one for my sisters. I’m the oldest after all. But at least they have people looking after them, I have no one.
I’m tired of being strong Mum, I’m tired. I don’t want to keep fighting. I’m so fed up but I want to fight, to make you proud to show E and R that they can achieve anything. I want to show people that it doesn’t matter what work of life you come from you can achieve your dreams. But it’s so hard and I don’t have any fight left…
Okay, I think that’s it. I obviously lied earlier but E sent me a video link and it sent me over the edge. The feels and the emotions are too high and then I realised how much I wanted to tell you that. So before I cry again, I’ll go.
I will forever love you,